Why don’t you guys set some guidelines to your vows and then just say them on the big day? What’s the big deal if they are different lengths? It’s what you both were feeling and what you both wanted to say!

We are also non-religious folk and prefer to have a friend or family member officiate the ceremony–and seeing as how his best friend is going to school to be a minister, I think we have the perfect person.

However, when it comes to the language in the traditional vows, it doesn’t fit us as a couple or our views. So I totally understand your dilemma.

Personally, I believe that writing the vows separately is the best way to go. There would be the element of surprise for everyone involved–including the significant other. Plus it adds that “awww” moment to the ceremony knowing that everything that was said was genuine and from the heart. While the tones and lengths may vary slightly, the overall theme will be your love for each other. To me this would add personal elements to the ceremony and therefore, shouldn’t matter if they vary slightly. Also, if you are concerned with length–you and the FI can discuss beforehand an appropriate length and decide not to vary from a few paragraphs, for example.

Sorry for the long post!